Learning from the Past

It is the dead of winter and while many others are snuggling up with loved ones on cozy couches, I am still braving the harsh realities of winter alone.  I have recently begun making a bigger effort to find love (I even made a vision board) and I have been fortunate enough to go on a few nice dates.  There is one man that I have begun to truly like, which both excites and scares me.  I have become very accustomed to my solo journey and the idea of having a +1 is so foreign I am not sure how to process it.  Over the past month I have come to realize the importance of not repeating past mistakes.  It can be incredibly easy to fall into old habits, even when we know without a doubt how unhealthy they are.

For example, I was in a very toxic relationship a number of years back in which my ex was very controlling and I became so emotionally dependent that I could almost not function when he wasn't around.  I found myself intentionally not making plans or making new friends on the 'off' chance he would text or call or want to see me.  As I result I was constantly checking my phone only to be left with disappointment and sadness and no plans.  Once I realized the toxic nature of our relationship,  I was thankfully able to get out of it and find myself again.  Since then, I have become a whole person again and have created a life for myself that I am proud of and love living.  However, after a month and a half of dating, I found myself repeating old mistakes.  I had a Monday off of work and found that I intentionally did not make plans with friends assuming I would see the man I was dating.  The problem was, we had made no plans and never talked about seeing each other.  Monday came and went and not only did I not see him, I also did not see my friends or accomplish any of the many tasks on my to do list.  Luckily, I realized what I was doing and quickly did an about face and texted a close friend to meet up.  I also made sure to attend all of my regular gym classes that week and signed up for a new rec league...check that one off my vision board!

This is all to say that while being single for an extended period of time can make the dating game difficult to navigate, it is important to remember to still continue being you and continue being the awesome whole complete person you are and to continue loving yourself and your solo life.  You are amazing and beautiful, whether attached or not...always remember that and live your life!

Transformation

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks"

I'm sure many of you are familiar with this old adage, but I want to challenge you to shatter this misconception.  Everyone can learn 'new tricks' and has the ability to make real change in their life.  They key to doing so is making the choice to change...every single day!  As a child and a teen I was always involved in some sort of competitive sport and constantly stayed active.  As a young adult I fell out of my old ways and into a bag of potato chips, bowl of popcorn, and occasionally a bottle of wine.  I saw the nasty changes to my body and to my energy level, so for a good while I hit the gym 5-6 days a week and managed to get back into shape. 

Then...the ex came along.  I devoted all my time to him and none of it to myself and fell back into my old habits easier than I'd like to admit.  The toxic relationship with my ex ended a few years ago, but it has taken me a while to get back on my feet and get my life together.  During this time I have developed an avid skill of crafting perfectly constructed excuses for myself as to why I can't work out.  The gym is too expensive.  It's too hot outside.  It's too cold outside.  I don't want to meet new people because I am moving soon.  Or my favorite...I really need to watch this episode of (insert name of random sitcom here).  How weak is that...a TV show about FAKE characters is NOT more important than my REAL LIFE!

It's taken me a while to realize this and to really commit myself to become healthier.  I have made myself empty promises to eat healthier then binged a plate of brownies when I got home from work.  I have been jealous of other woman who are confident in their bodies because they live a healthy lifestyle then ate a pizza.  My thoughts and my actions were constantly in conflict and I began to feel disappointment in myself.  This disappointment is what led me here.  I went to target to by a new hair brush and left with a fitness book called 28 Days to FIT, FIERCE, and FABULOUS.  Tone It Up.  This book if full of inspiration and is designed for real women like me and you.  I encourage everyone to grab a copy and to check out their website http://toneitup.com/. 

I am starting the workout portion of this 28 day journey to a new and more fabulous me and I can't wait.  Join me on this journey and let's all be the best Us we can be!

Being Alone

As a single woman edging ever closer to thirty, being alone is something I not only spend a lot of time doing, but also thinking about.  I am blessed to have many great friends and family only a half days drive away, but I still spend a big chuck of time alone.  I often cook dinner for one, have solo breakfasts on the weekends, arrive and sit alone in a vacant pew at church, and go to sleep alone at night.  I get a lot of me time, which is great but can get overwhelming at times.  This scary sense of the possibility of always being alone is why I spend a lot of time thinking about it.  I wonder if I will always be alone, and my self preservation instincts kick in and I start convincing myself that I will be okay if I am destined to be single, and I am here to say that I will be, and so will you. 

Recently I had time off of work and found myself flying solo in the city for a week.  While I kinda detest doing certain things alone, let's all be honest...the stares of strangers can chide on anyone's nerves...I forced myself to live outside of my comfort zone.  I stepped out of the unknown and into a museum alone.  It was amazing, I had the freedom to spend as much...or as little...time I wanted in each exhibit.  I also walked aimlessly through foreign neighborhoods for hours and sat down in a restaurant for my first solo sit down meal.  It was hard at times, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but it was also enlightening.  I proved to myself that I CAN do things alone and not be lonely.  I proved to myself that I CAN have fun myself.  I proved to myself that I DON'T have to miss out on opportunities because I don't have a plus one.  I am very straightforward with everyone in my life that I DO want to meet someone and get married, and at times I still struggle with accepting my perpetual singleness, but I took a HUGE step forward in my solo city site seeing, and if I can venture out solo, so CAN YOU.  Yes it's scary, but some of the best moments in life come because they take you to the edge of what is safe and known and into a world of the unimaginable.  Take a risk this week and do something solo you've never done before.  Trust me, even if it is awkward or scary at first, you won't regret the experience.  Be brave, be alone. 

Fall in Love With Yourself

Have you ever made a New Years resolution and failed to keep it, or sworn up and down you would change only to revert to your old ways?  I know I have, I keep telling myself and telling my friends that I will give up TV one day and I will work out every night.  I keep setting huge expectations for myself, and then when I fail to meet them I feel bad about myself.  I mean come on, it's not my fault that Chicago Fire is my the best show ever and The Blacklist keeps sucking me in for more...is it?  Yes, I know that it is healthy to set goals, but what I want to say is that it is okay to just be you.  Don't try to force yourself to be someone you are not, instead find a way to love who you are.  Yes, I am still setting goals for myself and hope to one day lead a healthier lifestyle, but I am giving myself permission to love the person I am today and love where I am today...and you should too!  Life is not about the destination, it is about the journey.  Take a second to pause today and look around, and be proud of yourself and where you are and love the person that you are.  Maybe you don't have the job you always wanted, or the new purse to show off, or even money for groceries, because yes...life can be hard.  It is hard, but it is beautiful and learning to love yourself and the person you are is just one small step in learning to enjoy the ride.

Edit Draft

Starting an email, a blog post, essay, or even a text message can be incredibly hard sometimes.  How do I start off with something catchy that isn't trite?  How do I hook my reader to ensure they read this in it's entirety?  These are the questions that go through my head as I stare at a blank 'draft' page.  I watch the blinking cursor as I place my fingers on the keyboard to begin transforming my thoughts into words.  As I start typing the ideas come rushing to my finger tips, sometimes so quickly I make laughable typos, but I keep typing.  If I continue to type and to work I will eventually have a finished product.  Sometimes it is exactly what I intended, but often times I am far less eloquent than I imagined or I make a point that I initially had not thought of, or fail to make my intended point at all.  But there is one invariable truth, if I keep typing I will accomplish something.  It does not need to be an award winning blog or the most expertly crafted text message to be an accomplishment.  In life, starting something new can often be far more intimidating than a blinking cursor on a blank page, but the same lessons ring true...you just need to start!  You do not always need to have every step planned along the way, and you may make mistakes just as easily and often as a typo...but that is the beauty of life!  Life is filled with wonder and the beauty of the unknown.  Do not be afraid to start something new because you do not know how it will end...instead have faith and start typing out the story of your life one letter at a time!

Choose to Keep Going

The world is a hard place and it's even harder for some than others.  As I walk the streets of downton Chicago I come face to face with the devastation and heartbreak life bestows on people, it's on the faces of people sitting on cardboard boxes in the snow and it's in the strained smile of the clerk at the store telling me to have a good day despite their own internal battles.  Life is hard.  There aren't enough placating words or inspirational posters in the world sometimes, sometimes life is just hard.    Life is hard.  It is hard to get up everyday and go to work at job you hate.  It is hard to make ends meet on a low paying job.  It is hard to deal with the heart break of a broken home.  It is hard to face yourself in the mirror sometimes.  Life is hard.  BUT, the beautiful thing about life is that it's possible.  It is possible to get through the hard times when you have God on your side.  Believing in God will not make the problems go away, it is not a magical trick.  Believing in God will give you strength, it will give you hope, and it will give you courage.  When life is hard know that you are not alone, choose to follow God and choose to keep going.

"My Hallelujah Song"

As the rain falls down and melts the snow outside and the gray clouds block out the winter sun I am reminded of a day this past summer where I had a moment of pure bliss, one of those serendipitous moments that speaks volumes and reinforces that every thing is alright.  Over the past 6 months I have moved across the country, started a new job, and moved in with new roommates.  And as my favorite blogger Many Hale so eloquently said, [I was finally] "brave enough to face the glorious known of the unaccompanied journey." 

I moved to Chicago, and the first few days were a total blur of furniture buying, building, and finding (it's amazing what can be found in an alley).  As the summer wore on I fell more and more in love with the city, with my job, with my friends, and with myself.  I finally felt I had arrived and on one bright August day as I walked home from the L with my music on shuffle the most amazing thing happened.  "My Hallelujah Song" began to play.  I vividly remember walking down the street and looking up to see my apartment coming into view just as the first chords of the song began to play.  At that moment a smile played across my face and I KNEW without a doubt that God had led me to Chicago.  When you give your life to God it is amazing the places he will take you, put your faith and trust in him so that you can sing your own song!

"Look at me, can't believe
I finally made it here
Feeling like I'm where I belong
Singing my hallelujah song
Hard to find, took some time
But I think that I might be hittin'
On what's been missing all along
Singing my hallelujah song"

Click here to watch the music video