Learning from the Past

It is the dead of winter and while many others are snuggling up with loved ones on cozy couches, I am still braving the harsh realities of winter alone.  I have recently begun making a bigger effort to find love (I even made a vision board) and I have been fortunate enough to go on a few nice dates.  There is one man that I have begun to truly like, which both excites and scares me.  I have become very accustomed to my solo journey and the idea of having a +1 is so foreign I am not sure how to process it.  Over the past month I have come to realize the importance of not repeating past mistakes.  It can be incredibly easy to fall into old habits, even when we know without a doubt how unhealthy they are.

For example, I was in a very toxic relationship a number of years back in which my ex was very controlling and I became so emotionally dependent that I could almost not function when he wasn't around.  I found myself intentionally not making plans or making new friends on the 'off' chance he would text or call or want to see me.  As I result I was constantly checking my phone only to be left with disappointment and sadness and no plans.  Once I realized the toxic nature of our relationship,  I was thankfully able to get out of it and find myself again.  Since then, I have become a whole person again and have created a life for myself that I am proud of and love living.  However, after a month and a half of dating, I found myself repeating old mistakes.  I had a Monday off of work and found that I intentionally did not make plans with friends assuming I would see the man I was dating.  The problem was, we had made no plans and never talked about seeing each other.  Monday came and went and not only did I not see him, I also did not see my friends or accomplish any of the many tasks on my to do list.  Luckily, I realized what I was doing and quickly did an about face and texted a close friend to meet up.  I also made sure to attend all of my regular gym classes that week and signed up for a new rec league...check that one off my vision board!

This is all to say that while being single for an extended period of time can make the dating game difficult to navigate, it is important to remember to still continue being you and continue being the awesome whole complete person you are and to continue loving yourself and your solo life.  You are amazing and beautiful, whether attached or not...always remember that and live your life!

Being Alone

As a single woman edging ever closer to thirty, being alone is something I not only spend a lot of time doing, but also thinking about.  I am blessed to have many great friends and family only a half days drive away, but I still spend a big chuck of time alone.  I often cook dinner for one, have solo breakfasts on the weekends, arrive and sit alone in a vacant pew at church, and go to sleep alone at night.  I get a lot of me time, which is great but can get overwhelming at times.  This scary sense of the possibility of always being alone is why I spend a lot of time thinking about it.  I wonder if I will always be alone, and my self preservation instincts kick in and I start convincing myself that I will be okay if I am destined to be single, and I am here to say that I will be, and so will you. 

Recently I had time off of work and found myself flying solo in the city for a week.  While I kinda detest doing certain things alone, let's all be honest...the stares of strangers can chide on anyone's nerves...I forced myself to live outside of my comfort zone.  I stepped out of the unknown and into a museum alone.  It was amazing, I had the freedom to spend as much...or as little...time I wanted in each exhibit.  I also walked aimlessly through foreign neighborhoods for hours and sat down in a restaurant for my first solo sit down meal.  It was hard at times, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but it was also enlightening.  I proved to myself that I CAN do things alone and not be lonely.  I proved to myself that I CAN have fun myself.  I proved to myself that I DON'T have to miss out on opportunities because I don't have a plus one.  I am very straightforward with everyone in my life that I DO want to meet someone and get married, and at times I still struggle with accepting my perpetual singleness, but I took a HUGE step forward in my solo city site seeing, and if I can venture out solo, so CAN YOU.  Yes it's scary, but some of the best moments in life come because they take you to the edge of what is safe and known and into a world of the unimaginable.  Take a risk this week and do something solo you've never done before.  Trust me, even if it is awkward or scary at first, you won't regret the experience.  Be brave, be alone. 

Edit Draft

Starting an email, a blog post, essay, or even a text message can be incredibly hard sometimes.  How do I start off with something catchy that isn't trite?  How do I hook my reader to ensure they read this in it's entirety?  These are the questions that go through my head as I stare at a blank 'draft' page.  I watch the blinking cursor as I place my fingers on the keyboard to begin transforming my thoughts into words.  As I start typing the ideas come rushing to my finger tips, sometimes so quickly I make laughable typos, but I keep typing.  If I continue to type and to work I will eventually have a finished product.  Sometimes it is exactly what I intended, but often times I am far less eloquent than I imagined or I make a point that I initially had not thought of, or fail to make my intended point at all.  But there is one invariable truth, if I keep typing I will accomplish something.  It does not need to be an award winning blog or the most expertly crafted text message to be an accomplishment.  In life, starting something new can often be far more intimidating than a blinking cursor on a blank page, but the same lessons ring true...you just need to start!  You do not always need to have every step planned along the way, and you may make mistakes just as easily and often as a typo...but that is the beauty of life!  Life is filled with wonder and the beauty of the unknown.  Do not be afraid to start something new because you do not know how it will end...instead have faith and start typing out the story of your life one letter at a time!